The Ten Commandments of West Michigan Beach Etiquette
The Fourth of July extended weekend means people will be crowding to West Michigan's miles and miles of great beaches, but that doesn't mean you can do as you please. We live in a civil society. There are rules. Let's go over some of them.
1. Thou shalt not shake out thy beach towels, shoes, or anything else close to thy neighbor: Learn the wind direction and shake off your towel against the wind, so you're between you and your neighbor, otherwise they get a faceful of sand, and this is not good.
2. Thou shalt not kite board into the swimming area. I get that you're ahead of the curve with your giant kite and surfboard, but I don't need to see you fly at me when I'm coming out of a wave, okay, partner?
3. Thou shalt always plant thyself at least 5 yards away from other beachgoers on holiday weekends: You get 10 yards most of the time, but holiday weekends require us all to get a little more close.
4. Thou shalt not (and I mean never ever) feed the seagulls: They are really just rats with wings, and you wouldn't feed rats would you? (Although when you think of it, the beach is their toilet. Okay, don't think of it.)
5. Thou shalt not change on the beach: There are changing rooms for a reason there, sport. You may think no one can see your pasty white butt because your buddy is holding up a towel, but we can, and we don't want to.
6. Thou shalt clarify your rules about dogs on the beach, Grand Haven. I personally don't mind dogs on the beach, as long as you clean up after them, but Grand Haven has been shaky on this rule for quite some time. Which is it? No animals, or animals on a six foot leash? Make a decision and stick with it.
7. Thou shalt not fly drones over the beach: Drones are the hot new thing to get photos and videos from on high, and I don't even mind giving up the privacy so much as I do the fact that I look awful from above. Also, leave your GoPro at home. Seriously. Just enjoy the beach.
8. Thou shalt not park your freighter in my view. It just ruins the Corona commercial ambience I'm trying to achieve. Plus, it spoils my 'here are my feet at the beach' Instagram post. Move that s*** to Cleveland, would ya?
9. Thou shalt compile a decent beach playlist, preferably heavy with Jimmy Buffet songs. The beach is for good time music, not Christian rock, so get your playlist right, child. Less preaching, more Blondie 'The Tide Is High'.
10. Thou shalt not wear Speedos, thongs, or 'mankinis' if thou art a man: Do we really need to explain this rule? Nope.