Why Are There No Young Ghosts In Grand Rapids?

I've been on ghost tours, and read up on every allegedly scary place in Grand Rapids. They have one thing in common: that stuff all happened a long time ago.

If You Believe In Ghosts, Why Are There No Young Ghosts?

Let me begin this rant by stating I have an open mind when it comes to spirits from beyond. I've had some weird experiences, and let's be honest none of us knows what happens once we leave this mortal coil.

But after going on ghost tours in five different cities in Michigan, they have one thing in common: all the hauntings seem to stem from an event that happened any where from 80-200 years ago.

The stories all follow the same template: young person met unfortunate early death (usually somewhere between 1820 and 1940) from some gruesome means, and now late at night you can hear voices and/or screaming and/or banging late at night.

Okay, but why don't any of the ghosts have a wallet chain?

Why Don't We Hear Some More Modern Sounds?

Tragic deaths never stop, so why aren't there any younger ghosts? And I'm not morbid enough to want someone who died last week to be part of a ghost tour. I'd settle for something like this:

Late at night, if you listen carefully, you can hear the 'shoop-shoop' sounds of young Jenny's hula hoop, which she proudly bought with her paper route money just before she died in 1955.

Or how about this:

The parking lot across from the Fountain Street Church has been filled with the moans of the ghost they call Crusty Carl, who took some really bad acid following the Led Zeppelin show back in 1969.

Or THIS...

The dance steps you hear on the area where DJ's Lounge once stood are the sad disco moves from Fabulous Freddie, who unfortunately passed away from heart failure during a dance marathon in 1976. You can smell the feint burning from where his polyester pants chafed on his thighs.

A Modern Ghost Wouldn't Haunt Your House

Chances are pretty good that if anyone died in the social media era they probably wouldn't haunt your house. They would be more apt to haunt your smartphone and REALLY screw your life up.

Just think of the shenanigans you could play on someone if you were haunting their phone.

If they ordered an UberLUX limo, you could instead send them an old man with a rickshaw. If they lined up a date with a hottie on Tinder, you could swipe right on a toothless Appalachian woman.

I can't wait to be a modern ghost!! But not right away...