All the Hot Pockets Eaten and Ranked

The website Thrillist is really awesome.

I find more crap on there that I read and say to myself: "Self, why didn't YOU think of that?"

To be fair, there's no way I could have eaten and ranked all 16 Hot Pockets Brand pocket sandwiches. Maybe eight or nine, but not all 16. But the people at Thrillist did. Here's their list of the top 16. I really wish I knew where I could find the number one Hot Pocket Brand pocket sandwich.

Here's a sample of the top 16 from Thrillist:

11. Five Cheese Pizza with Crispy Crust
The old-school crust is welcome -- and almost croissant-like -- but for some reason this isn't as good as the Four Cheese. It makes no sense, because the same cheeses (Parmesan, mozzarella, cheddar, and provolone) are simply joined by Romano. But it changes the flavor dynamic drastically, proving that not everybody loves Raymond after all."

7. Steak & Cheddar with Garlic Buttery Seasoned Crust
Like an aggressive Steak-umm hit with cheese sauce. And also quite tasty, with a hint of beef broth in the cheese. But, as with the BBQ Beef, the ultra-thin meat and saucy cheese rob this of structural integrity. Basically, biting it turns the crust into the sandwich equivalent of a tube of toothpaste, pushing the filling to the back before exploding it out. On the other hand, beef and cheese toothpaste would really help me remember to brush my teeth more often."

2. Ham & Cheese with Crispy Buttery Seasoned Crust
When I was 13 and sleeping over at Charlie Dietrich's place watching Dazed and Confused for the first time, I was introduced to the Hot Pocket in the form of Ham & Cheese, and it's remained a clear favorite ever since. The key here is those huge chunks of ham, which are glued together by this goopy cheese in a perfect symphony of salty indulgence. Alright alright!

And No. 1? Well, you will have to read the story.

I need to go make a snack. Sing it with me now: "Hot Pockets!"