joke of the day

Fingernail Biting To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.

Ivy Legue Trip A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at...

Down By the Pond An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

The Heart Attack A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. “What's up?” she asks. “I think I'm having a heart attack,” cries the husband.

Doctor & the Lawyer A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" ...

World's Greatest Invention Three men were debating the greatest invention of all time. The first man declared, "Why, it's got to be the wheel. Without the wheel, we'd go nowhere or move anything."

The Drunk's Car A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line...

Converting a Bear A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They’d get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard — a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and

Highway to Hawaii A guy was walking along the beach, found a bottle, and picked it up. A magical genie popped out and said, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a highway from here to Hawaii.&quo

Man's First Love A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you." She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

The New Doctor I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned seventy-eight ). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 85...

Questions on a Train A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train ride. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game...